A Case of the Crazies

I knew this treatment diet would be difficult and expensive.  I knew it would be frustrating and time consuming.  I did not realize just how much of an emotional roller coaster it would be.  One minute I am doing well and feel like I've got it all under control, the next I am in tears on the edge of a melt-down.  (I guess I'm getting a good idea of how it feels to be a three year old.)  Little things like not being able to find real, whole foods at the grocery store can send me in a tail spin.  My husband asks how he can help and the truth is I just don't know what to tell him.  

One thing that I have realized is that I am, in a sense, going through a grieving period over the loss of "my foods."  The Kübler-Ross Model, commonly known as the Five Stages of Grief, include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I can go through all five stages in the course of an hour.  Denial:  "YEAH, I'm fine, I can do this, this is no big deal!  It's only for a few months." Anger:  "This SUCKS.  I HATE THIS.  I'm going have to be on this diet FOREVER."  Bargaining:  "I just need to find a new doctor.  Maybe if I do this differently, it'll be over sooner.  I just need to go hard core and it'll all be good."  Depression:  "No one understands what I am going through.  No one really cares.  I'm just going to curl up in a little ball and hibernate until this stupid diet it over."  Acceptance:  "Yes, this does suck but you are NOT alone and it is only for a period of time, not forever."  I know that it is no where the same as loosing a loved one (it doesn't really even compare to that), which is what these stages were originally developed for, but it is still a loss and it does leave a big hole in your life.

This may sound silly if you haven't been told that if you continue eating what you have been eating you will continue to be sick.  This is NOT a fad diet.  I'm not doing this to lose weight or to clear up my complexion.  I am doing this because my body was shutting down and I am sick all the time.  So, yes, I can cheat and sneak one of the forbidden foods here and there, but then I get to feel like junk the next day.  

Here's where the loss comes in- our culture, our lives, revolve around food.  Imagine birthdays without cake, Thanksgiving without stuffing, Christmas without cookies.  Imagine never being able to go to your favorite restaurant again because you can no longer eat anything on they have on the menu.  Imagine all your favorite recipes from your childhood are no longer a possibility.  We have an emotional connection with our food, traditions and memories accompany much of what we eat.  I am mourning the loss of those traditions and future memories.  I am trying to learn to make new traditions and to look forward to new memories.  And I am still looking forward to reintroducing some of those favorites, just in a new and healthier way.  So if you are going through this, know that it is okay to grieve, to cry, to get mad.  It is difficult, but you will learn new ways of doing things and it will get easier.  At lease that's what I am hoping for.